Confession of Another Man
May 11, 2008Confession of Another Man
Thursday May 11, 2008
0710am
Just got home and I’m not feeling like myself. I’m feeling like I’m somebody else and I’m not really me. I’m feeling, as odd as it might sound, like I’m a man that is in another part of the world, perhaps somewhere in the south, and I’m not a “normal” sort of person. That instead I’m a somewhat not normal person that doesn’t quite fit in with most other folks. I “feel like” I’m a man that doesn’t have anyone else, you know a man that is single longer than he is supposed to be. A single man without a family that spends his time doing everything he can to do what he believes is right, but in the process has lost much of his family and nearly anyone that would have been in friend.
I wish I could be like he was though. I gave up my life a long time ago to pursue what I wanted to pursue. I wanted a wife, and a family, and a job that I could rely on the provide for the family that I had started. I wish I could give all of this up to do what I have finally found was more important. … You see, I do believe in God now … and more than that I believe that he is the only sane reason for living. And I believe that Jesus Christ laid down his life for my sins. I wish I had made other decisions before, decisions to follow the God that perhaps I did know on some level before but did not want to accept because I knew that would get in the way of the things that I wanted.
If I had only trusted and believed that God would provide me with the things that would make me happy in this world, and more importantly in the next. If only I had not pursued my own happiness when I was younger, if I hadn’t pursued my own way, to pursue what I thought was right in my own eyes back then. … Is it too late now? Can I turn back the hands of time, and “give up” the wife and the family that I built to pursue what I wanted to ‘do’. … And if I don’t do that now, will I only look back thirty years from now, much “wiser” knowing that I should have given up my wife and family to live a life like the life that Jesus showed me I should live? And if I look back then, will I only have new reasons for not doing it then? … So if I don’t do it now will I ever do it? What guarantees do I have that I will live to see sixty and even be able to look back; perhaps today is the day to give up even my wife and family to pursue God’s will.