My Hate Filled Son

January 24, 2014 by

I feel nauseated. I feel like I have been chewed up and spit out. I have been mocked, insulted, disrespected, belittled, scoffed at, and the list is without end. And my son doesn’t look at these things as things he should be ashamed of. My attempt to tell him how I feel are simply mocked more … With venomous disdain he replies “Are you jealous that I treat other people better than you?”.

My son is one of the most evil people that I have met in my life. He views kindness as not enough. If you stand between him and his Nike shoes, his Bench shirts, and his being able to go where he wants when he wants, then you will receive his hate. The only thing that separates me from others is I am the only one that is standing between him and what he wants. His scorn and disdain is measurable by how much you take away from him. He is not satisfied with clean clothes, clean shoes, three healthy meals a day, and a clean roof over his head. He spent the first twelve years of his life getting nearly everything that he wanted and I am the only one that ever changed that.

A twelve year old who is missing, and no one knows where he is. That is the boy that I was introduced to … When he was eight years old I was misled. I thought he was a “good” boy, care free and full of love.

But that’s not love. His affections and his “respect”; only if you don’t change any of his benefits. His affections and his “respect” if only you do not mess with the unhealthy, sugary, chocolate foods deceptively advertised as a meal; if only you do not mess with his freedom to play violent first person shooter games; if only you do not mess with his “right” to only study the way that ‘he’ wants to study and when ‘he’ wants to study.

“I only treat you that way” he says, “I only hate ‘you’.” he says … Well Mr. Adrian Patrick; I will only be the only one you hate until you run into somebody else that is willing to stand in between you and the things that you want. And not just someone who is willing to, but someone that actually ‘does’ stand between you and what you want. Someone you can’t manipulate, someone you can “smile your way around”. And when someone else does that, when you find someone you can’t convince to give you what you want, then you will hate them also. … Are you getting this? Are you understanding this? … Because if you are getting this you will “get” that you really don’t love anyone. You can not ‘love’ anyone, until you can say that it doesn’t matter what they give you, or what they take away from you, that you will treat them peacefully, patiently, gently, and kindly, no matter what you get or do not get from them …

If how you conduct yourself toward a person depends on what they give you or what they take away from you, then that isn’t love. Jesus defined it; I’m not the one who said what love is and what love is not. When we spat in His face, he did not retaliate, when we put the nails in His feet and His hands, he did not curse us. And when he was hanging up on the tree, on that cross, it was us that he looked down on and said “Forgive them father for they do not realize what they are doing”. And following Christ is very simply defined. Either you are walking the way that Jesus walked or you are not.

So Adrian Patrick Alex, you might be one of the most evil, resentful, hate filled people that I’ve ever met in my life but I will not give up. God already told believers that there were going to be terrible times in the last days. And I will not stop trying to get through to you. I will try different tactics, I will try different ways, but I will not stop trying. What you are doing to me hurts, but I can not look at what Jesus did for me and say my pain is even mildly comparable to his. So if you have to mock me, sneer at me, scoff at me, or whatever you feel you have to do me … know this … I am God’s son just as all of his people are His sons and daughters.

And whatever you do to me, you do to Him. He is the one that put me in your life to make sure that you did not get what you wanted. So he is the one to blame. If you have a problem with what he has done then by putting me in your life then you take it up with him in prayer. As it stands, you are insulting Him even further by admittedly hating one of the ones He has chosen and called out by name. Christ has never stopped loving you and so I will not either. 

Born For Him

November 29, 2013 by

“I feel like I’ve fallen so far”. I remember writing something like that a few years ago when I had left from Atlanta GA and had went back in South Carolina. There was a certain amount of uncertainty in my heart and mind about whether I should be there living with my sister and my mother. My sister was so selfish at that time. I have reason to believe she’s gotten over that now and has finally listened to the true call of God.

But this journal entry isnt’ about my sister. It’s about “feeling lost” again. I just finished praying for a few minutes, I imagine it wasn’t more than ten, and I ‘feel’ so lost when I’m praying. And although I don’t know why I feel that way, I have my theories.

I argue with my oldest son, I struggle so hard to get him to understand what I believe he should understand. I only fast four or five times a year, and I think I might be a little liberal in saying that. I start my day meditating on a lifestyle that has too much to do with the lifestyle that my wife and my oldest son want to have; and regrettably those meditations have also become (albeit to a smaller degree) my meditations.

The thought that they (especially my wife) might find out that I feel that way is a burden to me. It’s a burden because I think there is nothing “good” that can come of it. In the past anytime she had learned, even to a small degree what I thought in this area, it would produce in her a feeling as though she had been personally attacked. I would try to explain to her how God would change her if she would let him and she would feel as though I was comparing myself to her and that I was (as she put it) “the only holy one”.

Those conversations hurt me even now. I thought that once I gave my life to Christ, if I really gave my life completely to Christ, that those around me would be changed. I didn’t expect it to be easy, but I thought for sure that God would, in the very least, allow me to be a man that would lead my family to a level of self denial and self sacrifice that “the average church member” would find shocking, amazing, and extreme.

But instead, though I have no doubt this is the woman that Yahweh chose for me, I find myself in a family that seems more like the world than it seems like the body of Christ.

As a family I see my wife pressing hard to work in this corporate job so she can bring in the kind of income to support the lifestyle that she wants. Her hopes and dreams are to send her children to “good schools”, give money to her brother because she feels indebted to him, treat her brother’s family to family outings to faraway places with beautiful views and tasty food. She “living for” the day that she is no longer renting and can have a home of her own again. She wants to work at home, so she can be the mother that she’s always wanted to be, and she wants me to tell her that there is nothing wrong with any of these hopes and dreams. After all, they are very similar to the hopes and dreams that ever good mother wants to have for her family right?

But the problem is, I know better; or at least I think I do. I gave up my earthly hopes and dreams to follow Yeshua; or at least I thought I had. For several years I could look at my own life and see a lifestyle of denial self. I gave up my career, I let my car pass away into the place that mechanics no longer think of them, I bought a bicycle, I denied myself every day to no longer chase after my own self advancement but to instead think about the advancement of the kingdom of God.

I know those feelings can not change her, and even if they could change her I would not want them to. The only real change that could ever happened, if she did the same thing that everyone does who follows Christ. If she look at his beautiful face every moment that she could possibly put him in her mind, and if at those times she remembered that that beautiful face was battered and beaten for ‘every’ act or thought that we did not give specifically toward the advancement of God’s purpose and pleasure, for every moment that we ever sought our own pleasure or enjoyment; Christ died. And if she looked at that death and suffering, not as something that gave her guilt, but instead gave her joy; because it was the pleasure of God that he should give His Son to suffer so that we might be given eternal life.

Suffering and poverty is often a misunderstood point. There are many who believe that God is against pleasure, but it’s the same misunderstanding that most men have about money. God is not against pleasure or money, he is simply against the pursuit of either. We were born to praise God, we were given life to honor Him. And when we are the thick of honored him God gives both pleasure and unpleasant discipline; He gives both poverty and wealth, and we are told to be satisfied in both circumstances. Note that we are told to be ‘satisfied’ in both circumstances. We are never to be satisfied ‘with’ or ‘in’ pleasure, discipline, poverty, or wealth. You can not find true joy or life in any of these things. Only in Christ, our reason for life, can life and joy be found. When we have him none of what happens in this life matters; we have Him, therefore we have joy and life despite any of our circumstances.

Moving to Another Blog Address

July 31, 2011 by

Just click here  to go to the new site. Thank you and look forward to seeing you there !

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Well ladies and gentlemen, it’s been a long time and I never thought that I would see the day. But I’m only going to be posting on this site just a little while longer. If you’ve been following me you already know that I had trying to earn a little coin on the horizon. And trust me it is ‘only’ a little coin.

Putting ads in your blog, at least the straight and narrow sort, as far as I can tell is only a very small profit business. However I could in fact use a little spare change to cover the cost of my hosting.

If you would like to continue following my live action takes, you can do so at http://gottmilk.igottcha.com/. There aren’t any ads now (as of the writing of this post) so get’it while it’s hot :-)

Ekklesia

May 25, 2011 by

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http://gottmilk.igottcha.com/2011/05/25/ekklesia/

Earthquake 10pm UTC tomorrow!

May 20, 2011 by

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http://gottmilk.igottcha.com/2011/05/20/earthquake-10pm-utc-tomorrow/

A Lifetime Spent Together

May 18, 2011 by

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http://gottmilk.igottcha.com/2011/05/18/a-lifetime-spent-together/

Almah

April 26, 2011 by

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http://gottmilk.igottcha.com/2011/04/26/almah/

Original Thought for the Day

April 24, 2011 by

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http://gottmilk.igottcha.com/2011/04/24/original-thought-for-the-day/

Twice the sons of Hell

April 22, 2011 by

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http://gottmilk.igottcha.com/2011/04/22/twice-the-sons-of-hell/

The Lord outrightly Opened My Eyes

April 19, 2011 by

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http://gottmilk.igottcha.com/2011/04/19/the-lord-outrightly-opened-my-eyes/


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