Everything Is Fine

Someone asked me how I was doing last night, and I gave them the usual answer that I often give others these days. It’s an answer that I strived for for many years. An answer that was very difficult to sincerely come to; “Every is fine!”. No, it’s not just “fine”; but it’s actually ‘good’ as in I know that everything really is going exactly the way it should be going even when I have a dozen things that are happening around me that could give me reasons to feel like “things” are not so good.

It’s been over two decades since I’ve been given the gift of faith that I have. And it’s weird to feel like everything is ok, and even better than that to actually feel like everything is good. I don’t “have a life” that is categorically different than others; there are relationship problems in my life, communication problems, people that just want to hold on to their vices, health problems, and goals that I can’t seem to accomplish despite my best efforts.

But it’s all ok. Again, even better than ok. I am going through a batch of insomnia for the past few days, I have diabetes, I’ve had others pity me for my dietary restrictions, my rheumatism is debilitating but I walk nearly ten kilometers a day despite the pain and discomfort, I can’t visit my ailing mother in the US because the airfare is a bit out of reach for a family of five, my neurodivergence makes relationships difficult, and that isn’t the half of it. But I “feel” great. That’s weird right?

I do have an “achilles heel” however, and that’s when people I love, lie to me. So last night after I had just told a friend of mine how well I was doing despite the plethora of difficulties and challenges I face, I found out that one of my children had been deep into a habit of deception that I thought they had faced off with just a couple of weeks ago. I’m still not over it. And I don’t want to understate it nor overstate it. To understate it would be to say that I am at the same level of being fine that I was before, to overstate it would be to say that I was “not fine” anymore. There is very little that is worse for me than when someone I care about is waste deep in deception. And since I keep the highest “neurodivergent watch” on the existential well being of those I am closest to, I can’t think of anything that disturbs me more because I know how deception affects them.

Yes yes, I know I am still weird and largely not relatable. I wish I could put this faith that God has given me in a pill form and give it to others. But I know it doesn’t work that way. Which reminds me of how annoying it is when I have been scolded or mockingly referred to because of this faith I have been given. There are those who admire it, there are those who pity themselves because they don’t have it, and then others who mock me because they think I am being “super-spiritual” as one friend has told me, or “the only righteous one” as I have been told by a couple of others. And that stings a bit; to have the most precious thing that God has given me, referred to with such condescension. But that doesn’t change how much “I wish” they had the very thing that they have such a negative view of.

I’m not so far removed from a time years ago when I remember being distraught by life’s failings and my personal disappointments. I still remember what it was “almost always like” for the first three decades of my life. I still remember how my goals and ambitions used to define ‘how’ I was doing. Yes there was a time that the answer for how I was doing was completely dependent on my successes and failings. But now I “don’t get it”.

Obviously I understand it because I’ve been there. But what I “don’t get” is how I can give others the same reasons for the faith that I have, and those reasons are not eaten like precious morsels that will sustain them like nothing else in this world. How can “all things work for the good that love Him”, “consider it pure joy when you suffer trials of many kinds”, “whatever is good, whatever is pure, whatever is righteous, whatever is holy”, or a myriad of other beautiful truths that I have come to know, have any other affect in the heart and mind of those who hear than a deep existential healing that bubbles up and overflows into a life giving stream that makes all things new? Yes there are moments where these truths do not saturate my soul with life giving sustenance, and sometimes those moments can last minutes. But then it dwindles down to an existential “struggle in degrees”, it’s no longer an unmanageable burden. A burden yes, but I know the one who is helping me through it and He never fails.

Tefillah “תפילה”

In the context of tefillah “תפילה” (prayer), there is an important understanding of ‘bending our will to God’. Making requests to God based on our own wants and desires seems antithetical to this, but it is certainly about expressing gratitude; it is aligning our desires and intentions with the will of God/יהוה.

When we pray, we acknowledge that יהוה (YHVH/God)) is the ultimate authority and that His plans and purposes are greater than our own. Bending our will to God means surrendering our personal desires, ego, and attachments, and submitting ourselves to His guidance and wisdom. It is an act of humility and trust, recognizing that God knows what is best for us and that His will ultimately prevails.

By bending our will to God in prayer, we open ourselves to being transformed by Him, to allow Him to shape our thoughts, actions, and decisions. It is a way of seeking alignment with divine purpose and seeking to live in accordance with God’s character and values.

This understanding of bending our will to God in prayer is rooted in the belief that God is all-knowing, all-wise, and all-loving. It reflects a deep sense of surrender and reliance on God’s guidance and providence in our lives.

I consider prayer to be even more important than Bible study. Which might seem a paradoxical statement considering how much bible study I am doing every day as I tackle such a monumental task as All the Prayers of the Bible. Obviously the scriptures are of near equal, perhaps even equal importance. Prayers however, this is how we communicate with God and how He (in the act of surrendering ourselves to Him) changes us.

A Reflection About Justice

I was just reflecting on the injustices that I’ve witnessed in my life, and the various responses that I’ve seen. Especially in recent years it seems that the response from the masses has been so loud.

On the political left we have The Social Justice Warriors. And on the political right we have The Christian Conservatives. I think there is a measurable number on both sides who would also align themselves with a variety of Christian religion of one kind or another. It seems the Protestant branch of Christian religions would likely align more with the political right, and the Catholic branch may align more with the political left.

I think we all err and we need to primarily concern ourselves with the time we spend on our knees asking God for direction and wisdom, and feeling wary and suspicious of our own conclusions any time we find ourselves in alignment with either the political right or the political left. In the book of Yehoshua (יְהוֹשֻׁעַ) I remember when Joshua came across a man along the way to the hill country, and asked him whose side he was on. The man told him he wasn’t on either side, but he was a commander in the Lord’s army.


This is the mistake we all make at some point or another. We have a tendency of taking ideals we are convinced of and becoming so certain of them that we make them ‘ours’. When that happens we become the arbiter of those ideals instead of maintaining a position of humility where God’s presence constantly reminds us that only He is good. And anytime we think we can find confidence in where we stand, we should be careful that we might fall.

Thinking about injustice is what set me on this course of thought. Both the political right and the political left seem to be fighting for law makers, the government, or some other political entity to correct the injustices they are fighting for. Perhaps they think if only they could get enough people to be on the side that they are certain is God’s, then law makers would enforce the position of truth and they would have justice.

But what if the government wasn’t ‘the way’ God brought about justice. What if the government wasn’t even “the best way”. What if the government was just one of many innumerable possible solutions that God might use to bring about justice, and the solutions belong to Him alone. How would the way we fight change?

What We Pray

Do you pray for your next promotion, that you’ll have a “good day, that you’ll pass that test, that you’ll close on that house you want to buy … Or do your prayers look like these? …

Psalm 51:10 – Create in me a clean heart, O God.

Psalm 51:7 – Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean; wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.

Psalm 139:23 – Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me, and know my anxieties.

Psalm 86:11 – Teach me your way, O Lord, that I may walk in your truth; unite my heart to fear your name.

Psalm 5:8 – Lead me in your righteousness because of my enemies; make your way straight before me.

Psalm 119:34 – Give me understanding, that I may keep your law and observe it with my whole heart.

Isaiah 1:16 – Remove the evil of my deeds from before my eyes; cease to do evil.

Jeremiah 24:7 – Father, give me a heart to know You as my Lord, so that I will be counted among Your people, and You will be my God. Help me to return to You with my whole heart every day.

Ezekiel 36:26 – Heavenly Father, create in me a new heart and a new spirit. Help me to put away the evil of my deeds and turn back to You.

Acts 3:19 – Lord, I repent of my sins and turn back to You. Blot out my transgressions and wash me clean.

James 4:8 – I draw near to You, O God, seeking Your presence. Cleanse my hands from sin and purify my heart, that I may be single-minded in my devotion to You.

Romans 12:1 – Merciful God, I offer myself as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to You. This is my spiritual worship to You.

Romans 6:12 – Help me not to let sin reign in my mortal body, but to resist its passions. Let Your righteousness guide my actions.

Romans 12:2 – Lord, transform me by renewing my mind. Help me to discern Your perfect will through the testing of my faith.

Ephesians 4:22-23 – Heavenly Father, I put off my old self, which was corrupted by deceitful desires. Renew the spirit of my mind and help me to live in righteousness.

Colossians 3:2 – I set my mind on things above and not on earthly matters. Help me focus on Your kingdom and Your will.

Colossians 3:16 – Let Your word dwell richly in me. Teach and admonish me through Your truth, that I may walk in wisdom and understanding.

Psalm 51:10 – Create in me a clean heart, O God.
Psalm 119:15 – I will meditate on Your precepts, O Lord, and fix my eyes on Your ways.

Psalm 25:20 – Lord, do not put me to shame, for I take refuge in You. Uphold me in Your righteousness.

* I think we’ve been bamboozled by a “christian culture” that isn’t following the example that God has given us in scripture ♡🙏🏽

Bring Back the Den/Study

In popular culture, a mancave is often portrayed as a space where men can indulge in their interests and hobbies to the fullest extent. It is seen as a sanctuary where men can escape from the demands and responsibilities of everyday life. The concept of a mancave is associated with the idea of indulgence, allowing men to create an environment that caters to their specific desires and preferences.

A mancave is often adorned with items that reflect stereotypical masculine interests, such as sports memorabilia, gaming consoles, big-screen TVs, and a well-stocked bar. It may also feature comfortable seating, recliners, or even a home theater system for an immersive entertainment experience.

This concept of a mancave can be seen as a form of indulgence because it allows men to create a space that is solely dedicated to their own enjoyment and relaxation. It provides an escape from the outside world, where they can engage in activities they find pleasurable and entertaining. It is important to note, however, that the concept of a mancave is not limited to men alone, and individuals of any gender can create their own personalized spaces for indulgence and relaxation.

While the above is typically associated with self-indulgence and personal leisure, the concept of a den or study represents a productive space where an individual, including men, can engage in activities that contribute something beneficial to society.

A den or study is typically designed as a workspace or a quiet retreat where individuals can focus on intellectual pursuits, creativity, or professional work. It is a place where one can engage in productive activities such as research, writing, studying, or developing new ideas. Unlike a mancave, the emphasis is not solely on personal enjoyment, but on utilizing one’s talents and skills to create something of value for society.

In a den or study, individuals may have a library with books related to their field of interest or expertise, a desk with necessary tools and equipment, and a comfortable yet functional environment that fosters concentration and productivity. This space is often dedicated to personal growth, learning, and the development of ideas or contributions that can benefit others.

The den or study concept encourages individuals to channel their energy and time into activities that can have a positive impact on society. It promotes the idea of using one’s talents and knowledge to create something meaningful, whether it be through scientific discoveries, literary works, artistic creations, or any other form of contribution.

While a mancave may provide an escape and personal enjoyment, a den or study emphasizes the importance of utilizing one’s abilities and resources to make a productive contribution to society, thus enhancing personal growth and benefiting others in the process.

Here is a quote I picked up from Roosh Valizadeh, the author of ‘Return Of Kings’ a few years ago …

“The Den/or Study is NOT a place of retreat, but rather a place of composition, ponderance, and innovation. For that is where a true man takes his otherwise uncommon life and turns it into something great. A stamp on society. A difference in the world. A revolutionary technology. An influential book. A true and genuine “difference” for the positive and general advancement of society.

The key, however, is to make men of today realize the importance and vitality of having his own den, and just what a contribution to society having such an asset is. Let’s be clear what a den’s true function is: It is to ELIMINATE all exterior sources of distraction so as to permit a man to dedicate and focus 100% of his efforts towards creation.”

On a lighter note, here is a wonderful ninety second short that expresses how real the struggle is for those of us who love our family and others through self reflection and study as we strive to become who God wants us to be. And yes, I understand that God wants us to spend time with our wives and children. This is the beauty of having a den/study where we seek to become the men that will do this after we finish. We’ll be out in a few hours. Patience my dear family, patience ♡🙏🏽

Revisiting Halloween

I really enjoyed this podcast that I just listened to. It took me back to a time, almost a decade ago, when my neurodivergent mind immersed me in uncovering the roots behind every celebration and festivity that popular culture upholds. I did research on Father’s Day, Mother’s Day, Christmas, Halloween, and more. I learned things that are more useful than what about ninety-eight percent of people I talk to know about these topics.

I say “more useful” because I’ve mellowed out since then. That was probably the best thing that came out of all my digging. I also prayed and studied a lot, which helped me understand that God judges everything we do through the lens of why we do these things. The family of faith can be very judgmental about topics like this, especially between each other. What concerns me the most is the division caused by this judgment, not whether or not someone celebrates something that culture promotes.

In the end, it’s God who we will face when our lives are over, and He cares about us being good (by His definition) and holy. Will God look at you and say, “Well done my good and faithful servant”?

https://spotify.link/Dq4m6TlfcEb

The House on Mango Street

Always be attentive, diligent, and careful with what you teach your children and the subjects they are exposed to. Even from the correct perspective this book probably should not be read until highschool.

While studying Literary Vignettes, “The House on Mango Street” was recommended as an excellent example of a story written with vignettes. And although I think it does that, the story also needs to be framed with godly morals and values. Without a heavenly perspective, this story could easily sow seeds of bitterness, despair, and self-reliance. Even the ending of the story is framed on a false hope, glorifying the idea that Esperanza has the power to create her destiny. But that isn’t what the scriptures teach. Isn’t God the author and creator, the Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end?

If you are firmly grounded in the faith, I can see this book being useful in helping you to understand the godless perspective of those we interact with every day. Those who need true hope, a rock, a firm foundation; a God who never fails. This story deals with some difficult topics, such as poverty, sexual abuse, and violence. It is important to discuss these topics with your children and help them to understand them from a biblical perspective. Here are some ways that you can frame “The House on Mango Street” with the values and lessons God wants instilled in us:

– Highlight the importance of having a relationship with God. God loves us unconditionally and wants to help us through difficult times.
– Discuss the biblical perspective on poverty, sexual abuse, and violence. These are all things that separate those from God who commit these acts against the innocent.
– Hope is always offered in the gospel of Jesus Christ. Jesus died on the cross to pay the penalty for our failings, weaknesses, self serving acts, and He offers us eternal hope in Himself.

Overall, “The House on Mango Street” is a well-written and thought-provoking novel. However, it is important to read it with caution, and not recommended for younger readers and those who aren’t able to face the atrocities of the world through the lens of Christ. Be sure to understand that there are horrors in this world, and God knows them. We should not be sheltered but instead face these from a biblical perspective.

On The Spectrum

I watched nearly two seasons of The Good Doctor, and though I know that the main character Dr. Shaun Murphy, is played by someone who does not have autism in real life; it has been useful for me to consider what is, and is not known in regard to Autism; the ADHD that I was diagnosed with when I was about seven years old. I’m also aware of how easy it is to use perceived failings and flaws as a crutch we can hide behind. I’m doing my best to guard against that as I also embrace ways to be more accepting of those personal flaws I have seen in myself.

Over the years, long before I knew about the emotional disassociation that is common, I occasionally reflected on why I didn’t seem to feel the same emotional attachment that others did. I struggled to emotionally care for others when they were sad or happy. And though I wasn’t completely void of these emotions, I have felt the distance caused by both my difference, and the lack of emotion as well.

I stopped crying around the age of twelve or thirteen I think. Not that crying was even common before then. And it wasn’t until around the age of nineteen that I would experience tears again. It was in answer to prayer. I was a believer at that point, at least enough to believe in an all-good, omniscient God who knew what conflicted me and cared.

When I left that faith around the age of twenty-two, it didn’t occur to me that any progress with my empathy would be a part of what I’d be walking away from. There was simply too much inner confusion; I couldn’t think of any way to figure out who I was unless I looked back at who I was before my supposed christian faith. This was deconstruction. I wasn’t familiar with the term back then, but as of the writing of this journal entry ‘deconstruction’ is quite popular now. I didn’t even know I was to be part of a future trend.

Elon Musk is on the spectrum, which makes sense. Seeing someone so accomplished at so many things has helped me consider what might be a benefit to this emotional inhibition. Not that I never celebrated my differences before. Case in point, my career in the IT field exposed me to dozens if not hundreds of others who excelled at considering facts without the emotional attachment clouding the judgement of most people. This is how I used to look at emotions; they were flaws. And maybe the IT field is what I needed at the time to feel like what I was was something good, an advantage, something I could celebrate.

I’m in my fifties now. And I started to step away from the IT field when God gave me faith about twenty plus years ago. It was in my early thirties that I had an existential experience, a life altering moment that turned my heart and mind (my levav לב) upside down. And it is this way of viewing the world, through heaven’s eyes, that has led me to a richer “whole” view of myself and the people around me. I think it was CS Lewis who said that he believed in Christ the way that he believed in the sun; Christ was not only how he was able to view the world but it was by Christ that he was able to see.

And so now I see. Not completely, but I do now see in ways that I never was able to before. I see people, more and more, as they are created in the image of God. And herewith I have an answer for who I am and what I should feel. It is no longer confusing to know whether what I am feeling is a benefit or a flaw. I have a goal, a purpose, a reason for being that I know is right, and good. And this is how I know whether what I am feeling (or not) is a benefit or an inhibition. If it interferes with God’s purpose, then I must surrender my flaws to Him. If it helps me to live for Him then it is good, and I appreciate it, I ambitiously pursue it, I celebrate it; I celebrate everything that is of Him.

*Resources:
https://g.co/bard/share/eeba29eaa805

Love Songs

I checked out the lyrics of a couple of popular Filipino songs a few minutes ago, and it looks like “they” (the pop music industry) is still up to the same ol’tricks that they have been leading the tide of culture in for a long time.

The music industry knows that if they can capture your heart, then they can turn it into a financial opportunity for them. Even if you personally are “pirating” the music, they are willing to accept some loss as long as they have their hands on the helm of culture, carefully turning the tides of the industry.

Something shifted in me about twenty years ago. My whole world turned upside down and my heart could no longer be filled with the desire for a woman. I know this is strange to a world surfing in the deep waters of the aforementioned industry because it isn’t taught in popular culture. Instead, pop culture (in the east and in the west) teaches that it’s “only natural” to long for the love and affection of a woman.

After the shift that God did in me, this is not something that changed either before, nor after I got married. And I don’t want my wife to have that level of heartfelt affection for me either. I would rather our hearts be turned uncompromisingly towards the Lord, and then allow God to steer our hearts in how we should take care of each other. I think God is worth our complete trust in this area.

Only God can fill us.

Psalm 27:4 – “One thing I ask from the Lord, this only do I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze on the beauty of the Lord and to seek him in his temple.”

Psalm 42:1 – “As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, my God.”

Psalm 63:1 – “You, God, are my God, earnestly I seek you; I thirst for you, my whole being longs for you, in a dry and parched land where there is no water.”

Psalm 73:25 – “Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you.”

Psalm 84:2 – “My soul yearns, even faints, for the courts of the Lord; my heart and my flesh cry out for the living God.”

Psalm 130:6 – “My soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning, more than watchmen wait for the morning.”

Psalm 143:6 – “I spread out my hands to you; I thirst for you like a parched land.”

Psalm 119:20 – “My soul is consumed with longing for your laws at all times.”

Psalm 119:131 – “I open my mouth and pant, longing for your commands.”

Psalm 119:174 – “I long for your salvation, Lord, and your law gives me delight.”

Psalm 25:1 – “In you, Lord my God, I put my trust.”

Psalm 62:1 – “Truly my soul finds rest in God; my salvation comes from him.”

Psalm 143:8 – “Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I entrust my life.”

Psalm 37:4 – “Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.”

Psalm 119:10 – “I seek you with all my heart; do not let me stray from your commands.”

Psalm 139:23-24 – “Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting.”

Psalm 25:5 – “Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long.”

Psalm 86:11 – “Teach me your way, Lord, that I may rely on your faithfulness; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name.”

Psalm 143:10 – “Teach me to do your will, for you are my God; may your good Spirit lead me on level ground.”

Psalm 119:58 – “I have sought your face with all my heart; be gracious to me according to your promise.”

The Day I was Baptized

It was very humbling finding this post from one of my social media accounts dated 2014.Nov17.

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“And you too can go from immoral drunk, party guy to Christ follower in six weeks or less if you really understand what Jesus Christ did for you on the cross and letting the Holy Spirit do it’s transforming work on you.

I was digging through some old files and found a scanned copy of the weekly planner I used to keep from 1989 (I was eighteen years old). From the moment that I started reading the scriptures to the day I was baptized (Aug 13th) was twenty-one days. From that point on I left my drugs, alcohol, and cigarettes behind … That is, until I “fell away” three years later, but that is an entirely different story.”

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